Two Hearts Speak... From their Dark Side...

8 min read

Deviation Actions

KurobaFox1412's avatar
Published:
302 Views
Originally from PrototypeTheory

When I was young my mother told me something that has stuck with me up til now.

"Hate is very strong word. I believe you can dislike someone or something, but you can never truely hate."

Those word have led me to attempt to see the see good in everyone. To give people a chance. Even if I were to use the word "hate" I would never be serious about it. Its jus one of those words that rolls of the tongue so easily. Throughout my life I've had many shortcomings and a few noteworthy triumphs. I've experienced so much misfortune that I've had the misfortune of being able to analyze them. And it was through this analysis that I discovered just how strong hate is. Not just as a word but as a feeling. A natural human emotion that exists within us all. With some, the hate is much greater, much stronger than with others. And I've tried...I've tried to deal with it on my own. Because there is no one that I can turn to. And that boiling hatred that has built itself up inside of me has slowly...slowly began to seep through cracks and holes of the wall that was once my will. A man's hatred is truely a powerful force. But you gotta ask..."Where did the hatred come from? What caused such a nice person to harbor such thoughts?" There happens to be quite a few answers to those questions. Society, loneliness, jealousy, lies, betrayal, abandonment, disrespect, etc. The list goes on! But the most important piece to this little puzzle...more important than anything else...is myself. Yes, all of my misfortune and thus all of my hatred, all stems from my own self. I am the true root of the problem. This perplexing conundrum...is all because of me. I hate the way society and this current generation is. I hate being that guy no one wants to talk to. I hate sitting here alone while everyone I know is happy with someone. I hate modern music. I hate internet drama. I hate it when people tell me they'll be here for and that they're my friends, then the moment I need them they turn their backs. I hate myself because...because I'm the one who set myself up to endure the pain I feel in my heart every single day. And the worse part...the part I fear the most...is that I might be growing used to the pain. The emotional and quite physical pain of hatred.

This hatred I've carried with me for so long, while it usually comes from intense anger, I've been unable to let that anger out which in turn becomes extreme sadness. However, for personal reasons I am unable to cry. This then takes that sadness and turns into a form of severe depression and as of recently, anxiety attacks. People have told me "You should get help" This makes me upset because I wouldn't feel comfortable telling some strange person I don't stuff like I'm sad because I'm single. But now...I don't even know if I can even talk to those I call friends. I'd rather not lose anymore friends because they got sick of my "Emo Bullshit" So I try to handle my own emotional instability and in doing so I realized that I may in fact have some form of bipolar disorder. Those who have known me long enough know that at times I have taken my own emotional distress out on myself. This is because while part of me harbors my extreme hatred and anger, the other part of me is still compassionate and cares for others. And because of that I would never be able to bring myself to take my emotions out on anyone else. I'm kindhearted by nature. Which is one of the things I hate about myself but it can't be belp. Call me crazy if you want, call me a psycho, I don't care anymore. I will admit getting this stuff off my chest has made me feel a little better. However I've lived for 22 years...and if I were to guess I'd say 5 or 6 more is all I have left before I go off the deep end and...well...use your imagination 

I know nobody's going to even read this. There's no reason to. That's my whole point of putting this here.

------------------

From KurobaFox1412 (I won't bother if you guys don't comment, I know that this will be too long and boring for you anyway, so let this be if you like.)

Why did I copy and paste his journal entry here instead of sending a link? You think it'd be quicker, yeah it would, but this person has expressed how I, myself, truly feel and do when it comes to negative emotions (hence the birth of Emo Phoenix) especially anger and depression.

As you've known me in Year 9 (one of the darkest times ever in my life so far, which the other one is in Year 10 when my parents divorced), I felt the burning fire of deep hatred for the first time, at the same time fearing that my inner demon would take over the domain. But later I realized that those kind of emotions should not be bursted out that way, so since then, whenever I feel the hatred, I bottle it up, along with other negative emotions. Is it funny that, anger can be converted into sadness? Like me. I can never argue with tough voice all the time, tears just have to come out, which I don't understand why.

But, yes, all the kinds of negative emotions, I keep them all up in a bottle... Residing deep within my heart. Sometimes the bottle is full and it needs some to be poured so I can keep more negative emotions, by crying and screaming. But you do not know, or only a few of you know, because I smile more often than frown and cry, and so you guys think that "Ah, this girl is always so helpful and kind. She's really a strong one." But actually, I'm not. Ever heard of a saying, "the prettiest smile hides the most sadness?" Yeah, I'm talking about that.

Like PrototypeTheory, I blame myself whenever a problem occurs. You may see me as a social type, but this is the Internet. In real, I'm the opposite. I'm antisocial and fearing that I have Asperger's (it's a type of autism.). By blaming myself, I put all the distress and pain on myself, though they say "Hey, it's not your fault.", bottling up the negative emotions more and more. So, you see, the negative emotions aren't from jealousy, loneliness, lies, betrayal... They're from me. "If I were there to at least do something then none of that would've happened!" My mind once shouted.

Every time I cry, my heart cracks. I don't remember how many times I've done it, but now I feel a bit uneasy at heart while typing this, so I guess it's been quite an amount of times. Maybe I can get used to feeling such emotions that I'll sooner or later become... Heartless? Emotionless? Only a shell that is still livinf in this world but all emotions drained? I thought so.

I don't want to explain my problems to you guys because: One, those are MY problems and I can handle those on my own. Two, some of them are very much complicated and you guys may take them the wrong way if I tell you, and I end up making you guys putting the blame on the wrong person involved.

I'm still Phoenix, I'm still who I am... For now(?) A life of nearly 17 years, with nearly 3 years suffering. Well it's nothing to me, because PrototypeTheory has been suffering in much longer time than mine. And other people out there too, so don't worry about me too much, as it's only 3 years. *coughs a bit, feeling a bit more uneasy at heart* This is nothing. I gotta admit, letting all this out, along with what PrototypeTheory himself's thoughts, those made me feel a little better.

And why did I share what he thinks to you all? Well, take a look at his last paragraph there. See? I'm not writing what I think or sharing his thoughts just for attention. I'm not like that. Maybe he and I don't talk much on here, but we share how we feel on Skype, a lot. So you can say that he and I have a dark-sided connection, as we understand our negative emotions very well and feelings are mutual.

Or, to be exact, he and I are connected by our shadows.

PrototypeTheory and KurobaFox1412
© 2014 - 2024 KurobaFox1412
Comments12
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Flareon0274's avatar
...kuroba?... Are you ok?